Seated: Back in Action

Introducing the best and worst movie theaters to ask me out on a date to.

Long time no see….

2024 was a doozy of a year both in my personal world and the land of Hollywood, not sure if anything else significant took place. Anywho, I’m officially back from my spiritual sabbatical to bring this sweet lil Substack back from the dead with more stream of conscious opinions about pop culture than ever before, so buckle up.

What will “Seated” mean in the new year?

I love going to the movies with friends. I love going to the movies even more when I get to go alone. But sometimes the universe throws a movie date my way that makes me want to abolish the idea of them all together.

However, if you’re reading this and happen to still find me extremely irresistible, all I can do is offer a guide for the best and worst theaters to take me on a date to.

Without further ado, here is my breakdown of movie theaters to take me on a date if you really want to ignore my wishes.

Metrograph

my response if you ask me out to this theater:

“BIG NO (unless I have a 30 minute uninterrupted resting period). Also last time I was here to see David Lynch’s Inland Empire I experienced an audience member’s behavior that something straight out of The Exorcist. There is no way I would have been able to walk away from that establishment and turn to someone I barely know and ask, so what makes you a fan of monogamy in Ridgewood?”

Pros:

• best movie selection that would make your dad think I have good taste

• perfect popcorn portioning so I don’t have to split an over-buttered bag with potential subway hands

Cons:

• too many stairs leaving the subway, hence, why I need my 30 minute interrupted resting

• can’t recline in my seat so would be forced to sit with the permanent stick up my ass that I was born with and not speak on it unless this is at least our fourth time meeting with each other

• the chances you’re sitting next to someone who has Pulp Fiction in their top 4 on Letterboxd are as high as your cousin at Thanksgiving

AMC Village 7

my response if you ask me out to this theater:

Pros:

• I am an A-list member

Cons:

• I am an A-list member, therefore, I won’t shut up about it.

Nighthawk (both locations)

my response if you ask me out to this theater:

“Sure, but I already forgot my wallet at home.”

Pros:

• really good drinks that have quirky names, thus, a great icebreaker if none of us know what to talk about

• expertly edited pre show that builds an incentive for customers to be SEATED before the movie begins rather than 20 minutes after

• most sane clientele

Cons:

those really good drinks aren’t cheap drinks but you won’t know until after someone puts down their card so now I have to suffer from an internal spiral questioning if its rude to suggest splitting costs via Venmo

AMC 19th St. East 6

my response if you ask me out to this theater:

• Pros: I am an A-list member and they have heated seats

• Cons: Did I forget to mention you basically make money with all the movies you can see at AMC when you’re an A-List member? It even includes IMAX and Dolby showings for no extra charge!

Williamsburg Cinema

my response if you ask me out to this theater:

Pro:

• cute intro plays before the movie that has not changed since 1994

Con:

• This place has nothing to offer except the most time slots for whatever mainstream CGI blockbuster you trying to drag me to, so I have to assume you only consume straight cinema.

Regal Essex Crossing

my response if you ask me out to this theater:

Pros:

nice chairs, quality chairs (at least they recline!!)

Cons:

• No Coke. Only Pepsi products. Those fascists…

• I won’t shut up about never going to this theater because I am a member of the AMC A-list party, so this is kind of a waste of money.

There are plenty more theaters to break down but in the meantime I am choosing selective chaos. Til next time, go get seated and watch a movie.

xx Lexi